x2 Step 97 – Journal Step 96 - God's Will is for me to be unburdened.

Today: Step 97 - I do not know what fulfillment is. (MP3)  

Greetings All –

From the journal Step 96 - God's Will is for me to be unburdened.

"God's Will is for me to be unburdened." Step 96

Note: This day’s entry is detailed and long.

9:53 a.m. Thursday, November 23, 2000

Slight headache. Finally got my contacts in. With the diopter reading glasses I can see more clearly.

Step 96 – "God's will is for me to be unburdened." I want to check and see what I wrote last year. I do feel burdened by all I'm trying to do, the things I’ve done which were not successful, and that which has led to naught. On the one hand, I enjoy my life – and pursuit of knowledge for regional intelligence. I most enjoy my children – they made me real and keep me real as we move through life. Family relationships have been good and remain so.

I'm burdened by thoughts that I should have been more by now, have more monetary wealth, have more power to wield – for personal status and on behalf of others.

The absolute wonder about creation, the joy of life, the wealth around us, the magnificent details of creation – every stone a work of art, every leaf – every tree, insects – in awe of the Creation and the forces which allow it to be, the spirit nature of life –

There are other ways to live. Patience exemplifies that to me. Reading once of an alien who got stuck on earth after his craft crashed, his parents were killed – and he went on to explore earth – spending 300 years on a mossy rock, just for the experience.

Is humanity in a period of “Fast Time?” rapid social evolution driven by technology which shrinks the earth, expanding local boundaries.

Step 96 text> "A Greater Will exists within you that wishes to express itself."

I have felt this greater will in my life and responded to it – am responding – by following the Steps.

The great freedom I feel at this moment – to be in a safe, warm home, spacious and open, unhurried – fall sunlight streaming in the windows – the absolute time to plumb my mind with my spirit – this is, for me, a wondrous experience. Taking it to the world – to others – is something I wish I could do. From the inside, from my being – it is fulfillment as "being."

How many on the planet are in such a space? How many need to get to this same space? How many fellow souls do I have to honor for the gift I have this instant? All of them – this is Thanksgiving – and yet – I’ve done little, almost nothing – to be here.

How the world judges me – good/bad, weak/strong, effective/ineffective – does not matter now.

I love this little box of the house. It serves me, though it needs some maintenance, which burdens me.

I'm not a pillar of the community, though I've tried to be an asset. I do not want too much responsibility, because that limits exploration.

Expectations: Mine, the world's, God's – "Knowledge is not affected by your schemes in plans or by your hopes and disappointments. It is only awaiting the time when it can emerge naturally within you, and you will be the first recipient of its great gifts."

→ Actively engage your mind and try to think of the meaning of this statement in terms of your current ambitions, current plans, and so forth.

→ Ambition – to be "Regional Expert" so that I can promote "regional intelligence"

→ Plan – to articulate the emergence of regional intelligence as I'm getting it.

→ I've not given my entire life to this – only 99%

→ What are my burdens?

To find a place where I can articulate RI –

To invest so I can have the income to have free time to do the work to get the emergence

To please everyone I come in contact with

To find my partners

To tolerate the PDC insanity

To improve my relationships

To simplify and organize in the face of an expanding number of relationships

To operate on the fringe in contradiction of local powers

To be what I am to be?

To understand the plan

> What can I give up?

How can I simplify?

7:43 p.m. Practice #2 – I do wish to be unburdened. The Thanksgiving Dinner @ Larry's was boring. The food was good – Joe Bageant attended – he's Tim's father, Cindy's first husband. An intelligent person with a wide view of the world. A musician, writer and magazine editor – he knows that business – one which interests me – but – it's very political – just like mine. The political can be a conduit for truth, even if they don't want to be.

Being unburdened of my talentless ambition to be a musician would be nice. I'm a very simple person by the standards of the world.

Being unburdened of the need for sensory experience – food, drink, TV, film, music – would free time. Eating has become stage business – something to do other than talk on board.

I could choose to be present and still, but it's hard to do without spacing out. Joe fit in better with Cindy's brothers than I. Family events have always tended to be boring – somehow moving through a crowd and paying attention to them. I'd rather find an interesting person and learn from them.

Knowledge can unburden me from:

(1) The hopeless conflicts I attempt to resolve –

– the conflicts [at work] – is it denial?

(2) Meaningless pursuits which lead me nowhere

– play an instrument, learn to sing

– eat to suppress

– attempt to collect things for future wealth,

– travel for its own sake

– making small talk in search of my partners

– looking at everyone and everything

– trying to understand the world

(3) false promises of this world

– if I work hard I'll be rewarded

– I need only invest and I’ll have something

– logical change is possible

– beauty is all that's needed

– things will be taken care of

– You only have to worry about yourself

– Pain can be healed; you are protected.

(4) My own idealism which paints a picture the world can't possibly support

– belief that there are better ways, they will be recognized where they now exist and brought to use

– boundaries can become inclusive through regional community

– even though I see the benefits of certain change, I can't do that

– there is a more ideal future coming, though it is going south

– there should be no pain, no anger, no fighting to injure, kill and ultimately dominate

– that my relatively good and honest heart will lead my body to be supported by universe

– that people have to totally agree in order to cooperate

– that my jaded idealism of youth is Still with me to promote cooperation

– I can live more simply while downsizing

– the gossip is unnecessary

– that humanity cares beyond their own struggle for power

– I'm human and deserve respect

– that there's really purpose and meaning to what we do

8:45 PM. This is done – now I’ll check the prior year’s exercise.

A long, detailed response to the questions in the Step. You might have done more, or less, or not answered in a way that you can remember when you want to check to see if there’s been any progress in your life. Lots of head stuff, but that is what the Steps is intended to do – clear our minds. Some people don’t need this. Those like us do. Let us continue.

NNC

Note: If you’ve some interest due to this or other Steps, you should go to the beginning blog post. From here you will learn about Steps to Knowledge and can begin it on the day that makes sense; then progress as needed. You can use the posts on this blog as a companion if it helps. They will remain in order in the archives - one post per Step.

Often it takes 18 months to get through the Steps once. For this blog, the pace is one-a-day, but it really makes no difference how fast you do it, only that you begin, persist and repeat. Posts here provide a trail that may let you have a virtual companion when and if you want one. One may have to study alone, as I did in the beginning. There are other Steps students blogging their experience and you might find a person more like you as a companion, or use a number of such Steps journeys. There are options as well through the Free School of the New Message.